Ask Not Who is Checking on You. Ask Who You Are Checking On

I saw a series of posts from someone lashing out due to her mental health. The posts triggered me. Instead of offering unsolicited advice like a douchebag, or saying something that might have made her feel worse in the moment because I barely know her and she already feels terrible, I stayed in my own lane and reposted this on my own timeline instead.

We, all people, everywhere on the planet, have definitely been struggling in some way or another since the shelter at home and lockdowns started.

I am sure we all have these people on our friends lists who are lashing out with angry posts and comments due to stresses on their mental health from being isolated. I have the utmost sympathy for them – I struggle with my mental health and now with feelings of isolation during the pandemic as well, and wish nothing but peace and healing and love to everyone everywhere. And I feel that in my bones.

That being said, Some people – including me – really need to take a long hard look at themselves and ask “What am I doing for my own mental health? Am I expecting too much from other people? Is there anything about myself or my lifestyle or my attitudes and opinions that is not serving me or that is actually making my life harder?” We should all be asking ourselves these questions, all the time. Growth and change at any age and stage of life is a necessity.

If you can’t be happy by yourself and you are angry at everyone for ‘not caring about me enough’, and you’re mad that no one is jumping through flaming hoops to chase you down and comfort you in a pandemic while they are equally struggling with the same and different problems of their own… You might need to re-evaluate your ideas and attitudes about what it means to be present in someone’s life, and what you, yourself are contributing to their lives.

When I was younger and had less tools in my toolbox, I sometimes fell into that kind of thinking too. Wishing someone would comfort you, feeling so sad that no one appeared to soothe you. But did you check on them? Did you ASK them to spend time with you? Did you try to schedule some time with them and express your needs in a way that they could understand?

Unless you admit it is a negative and harmful way to think, and take steps to grow as a person and heal yourself, you will never feel better.

I struggle too. I empathize. Sometimes it’s so stressful to be alone when you just need someone to tell you it’s all going to be OK, and give you a hug. But you have to realize that your family and friends are not free therapists unless they WANT to be and are CAPABLE of it. We are born alone, and we die alone. And there’s a lot of times in between when, no matter how many friends and acquaintances and supporters we have, we will have to face things alone. That’s just life.

Some people want to help and will show up consistently. Some people really want to help but can’t for some reason. Some people see your rants and feel triggered and/or just don’t know how to help. Some people are so much worse off than you mentally, and already doing everything they can to keep afloat themselves. That doesn’t make any of them BAD friends. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. It doesn’t mean that you’re not important to them. If you are not hearing from someone who is important to you, CHECK ON THEM. Ask if THEY are OK. Listen to THEM vent about their problems too. Maybe they are overwhelmed and drowning, just the same way that you and I and everyone else on the planet is right now.

Therapists really can help a lot in a number of situations. I used to resent it when anyone told me I needed to talk go a therapist. And the wrong therapist can damage you even worse, I know from experience… But a good therapist will help you learn and grow and be happier with yourself.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk about not falling into selfish, harmful thought patterns and lashing out at others just because you are suffering from feelings of isolation and mental health issues.

Now go listen to some music. Join a stupid facebook group and participate in it. (A Group Where Everyone Angry Reacts Corn for example). Start a new hobby, read a new book… Watch a comedy… Clean something… Or just go outside and just breathe for 5 minutes.